SELF
Exhibition Text
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Digital Collage Essay
I'm 17 years of age, almost legally an adult. At this age, I know that I need to have my own beliefs and perspectives on the world. But growing up, I had some difficulties with independence as I was always being called a "Mama's boy.” I used my mom as my foundation, my support, and my source of need whenever I needed something. When we would go somewhere I would be only inches from my mom and hold her hand so that I felt safe and comfortable. However when I turned 6, others started to notice how clingy and dependent I was. They told my mom and suggested that she let me be a little more independent, which she advocated for wholeheartedly as she never held my hand again.
I started grade school in Vietnam continuing with my reliance on others. I had one close friend that I always hung out with. One day, he did not come to school and I found myself crying after the bell rang as I realized that he would not show up that day; I cried like a son who had lost his mother. When I was 10, I was still relying on my mom. I remember one time I wanted something and she disagreed with me. I cried as hard as I could to get her attention and to make her reconsider her decision. But this time she let me cry as my whole family continued to have dinner as if my crying was just the sound of a ticking clock. Right then I felt alone and that it was me against the world. I clearly remember what she used to say to me,"You're a man, Why are you so weak?.” Soon I lost my trust in her support and began to do things myself. Even now I am still working on not relying on others because I know that when I fall down no one will be there. Back then when I did something it was to make my parents proud but now when I do something I know that it is for my own benefit and that my own goal is my motivation. I am a lone wolf and mostly keep to myself emotionally. I stopped communicating with my mom about my feelings as I went through adolescence.
The biggest change during my adolescent years was when my family moved here from Vietnam. It was a rough time for everyone in my family but gladly we made it through the transition smoothly. But during this time was when I am the most distant from my family members as I was dealing with changes. I had to learn a new language. I had to make new friends. I had to get adjust to the culture and way of life here. It was a confusing time as I would have to live in two different world, a world where I speak english and a world where I speak vietnamese. One time she asked how school was and I remembered thinking that even if I tell her she wouldn’t understand anyway because I couldn’t find a way to explain in vietnamese. So, instead of telling her new things I’ve learned that day, I just said that it was fine and moved on. After a while, she stopped asking about my days and I did not blame her because I knew that she has other stuffs to worry about to make sure that there are food on our table. During this lonely time, I learned how to do things and deal with issues on my own as I became less sociable and very distant from others. I also learned to value myself as an individual and to love myself no matters what others might say. I learned to think as an individual so that I won’t be dependent on others to influence my perspective. However recently, I've been trying to be open with others about what goes on my mind but who I am will forever be me and that I am the master of my own self.
I started grade school in Vietnam continuing with my reliance on others. I had one close friend that I always hung out with. One day, he did not come to school and I found myself crying after the bell rang as I realized that he would not show up that day; I cried like a son who had lost his mother. When I was 10, I was still relying on my mom. I remember one time I wanted something and she disagreed with me. I cried as hard as I could to get her attention and to make her reconsider her decision. But this time she let me cry as my whole family continued to have dinner as if my crying was just the sound of a ticking clock. Right then I felt alone and that it was me against the world. I clearly remember what she used to say to me,"You're a man, Why are you so weak?.” Soon I lost my trust in her support and began to do things myself. Even now I am still working on not relying on others because I know that when I fall down no one will be there. Back then when I did something it was to make my parents proud but now when I do something I know that it is for my own benefit and that my own goal is my motivation. I am a lone wolf and mostly keep to myself emotionally. I stopped communicating with my mom about my feelings as I went through adolescence.
The biggest change during my adolescent years was when my family moved here from Vietnam. It was a rough time for everyone in my family but gladly we made it through the transition smoothly. But during this time was when I am the most distant from my family members as I was dealing with changes. I had to learn a new language. I had to make new friends. I had to get adjust to the culture and way of life here. It was a confusing time as I would have to live in two different world, a world where I speak english and a world where I speak vietnamese. One time she asked how school was and I remembered thinking that even if I tell her she wouldn’t understand anyway because I couldn’t find a way to explain in vietnamese. So, instead of telling her new things I’ve learned that day, I just said that it was fine and moved on. After a while, she stopped asking about my days and I did not blame her because I knew that she has other stuffs to worry about to make sure that there are food on our table. During this lonely time, I learned how to do things and deal with issues on my own as I became less sociable and very distant from others. I also learned to value myself as an individual and to love myself no matters what others might say. I learned to think as an individual so that I won’t be dependent on others to influence my perspective. However recently, I've been trying to be open with others about what goes on my mind but who I am will forever be me and that I am the master of my own self.
PLANNING SKETCHESFirst step was to create planning sketches for how my digital collage piece will looks like. The sketches also have captions and notes of details to add when making the piece. I chose to be making this piece at home because of convenience for my mother has to work and it takes time to move the props to the lake for taking this photo. Therefore, I chose to take these photos at home and also have my mother to be the model for this project.
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CREATING PROCESSFirst step was to open up the Photoshop program and to create a 36inx24in background "canvas" with a resolution of around 170. For my body and uneven edges, I mostly used quick selection tool and refine the edges later on. For straight edges such as the mirror I mainly used polygonal lasso tool to get a perfectly straight cut. I also used zoom and eraser to help with cleaning the edges. Other adjustments I've made to the layers were brightness/contrast, black and white, and the light exposure.
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COLLECTING IMAGES |
FINISHING TOUCHES |
I started taking photos based on the planning sketched that I've made. When taking photos, I also had to think about incorporate the meaning of my essay to the photos.
EXPERIMENTINGFor this piece, I experimented on the different brightness and contrast. Another important idea that I also experimented on was the melting effect that I used on the mirror.
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After completing the overall composition of the piece, I started to give final adjustments to the layers. I adjusted the capacity of every layers and its contrast until it looks best to my eyes. I also zoomed in and go into detail to see if there are any blurry and uncleaned edges. I also came up with different new ideas to add to the digital collage after I reflected on the final piece and felt that there are more could be done to make this project better. So I went back and experimented few new tools such as puppet ward and melting.
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CRITIQUE
Overall the process of making "Self", there are some similarities and differences between my process and my inspirations by Cindy Sherman. Women is the primary subject in Cindy Sherman's series of Untitled Film as she was trying to bring focus to the role of media in our society. But in my piece, my mother and I are the main subjects of the collage as I was trying to portrayed my connection to my mother from the past comparing to who I am now. Both Cindy Sherman's series and Self use symbolized background and certain things or people to explore a certain concept or theme. The composition and subjects in my process and my inspiration play a critical role in conveying the theme to the audience.
THE MEANING
Self is a straight forward story about myself, and how my mother played a big part in my life.This piece mainly has different layers of places and things that represent myself. As a kid and even until now, I am still very much dependent on my mother for physical and mental resources. I love my mother but I hate that I am dependent on her. However, I am always grateful toward my mother for the things that she did which have helped to create a person that I am proud to be today. I'm grateful that she tried to push me away. I am grateful that she has shown me a version of a woman that I am looking for. My mother in the mirror reflection of myself in black and white symbolize my past reliance on her. Oftentimes I would look into the mirror and i would see my mother because she has the biggest influence in my life. With all the characteristic traits that resemble her I would see her as a part of me. However as I am growing up, I can see a wall of communication building up as I am now busy with school and she is busy working to put food on our table. The distorted black and white mirror represent the confliction of my mother's influence on me. By falling off my mother's net I learned to fly. I learned to be mentally independent and developed my personal characteristics. The background of the collage is a photo of my room in its natural setting. This background is an important foundation of Self because it represent me as a person. As you can see in the background, it is pretty messy which reflects on my unorganized personality. But I am also a reader because I want to be knowledgeable of the world around me and it is my way to travel to places. I also have a mirror placing right across from my bed because I like to appreciate raw self right after when I woke up. I believe that self-esteem is very important source of motivation that keeps me going. I also play saxophone because I want something of my own that I will be able to enjoy and share with others. I also have many art materials in my room represent myself as an art student. This collage overall tells a story of where I came from as a person and also who am I as a person with perspectives.
"Cindy Sherman Biography, Art, and Analysis of Works." The Art Story. N.p., n.d. Web. 14 Sept. 2016.